BREAKING NEWS NOW

BRINGING YOU THE SCOOPS, AS THEY HAPPEN!

 

Wednesday, 11th May, 2005

 

(Yet another) Breaking News Now Exclusive!

 

Terrorised by the words of their own government, Americas flee from something, although no one could describe exactly what. Said one scaredy cat: "I don't know what I am running from, but I heard it was out to get my freedoms and democracy, and that's good enough for me."

US Capitol, White House, Briefly Evacuated

Breaking News Now
11/05/2005

"Run! This is no joke!" screamed the U.S. Secret Service agent as the blip on the radar screen moved ominously closer into the restricted airspace over the White House. "This better not be another damn cloud!" growled Cheney as Standing Order "Presidential Pooper Scoop" seamlessly swung into action. One burly SS agent was soon sprinting down the hallway that leads to the White House bunker, apparently unfazed by the womanly screams of an obviously terrified President Bush dangling over his right shoulder. Two other agents were moving somewhat slower with a red-faced, yet surprisingly calm, Vice President Cheney in a "fireman's lift" configuration.

Not long thereafter however, the all-clear was given and both men cautiously re-emerged to continue protecting the country.

The cause of the alert has since been revealed as a wayward single-engined aircraft which was "flying in a manner that threatened the freedom of the American people" according to a White House official who was understandably speaking on condition of anonymity.

Some members of the ever vigilant freedom-hating, camel jockey-loving "left-wing" blogging community, have once more used the opportunity to cast doubt on the integrity of the American administration, claiming that, since today is the 11th day of the month, this "alert" was nothing more than yet another piece of government propaganda designed to ever so subtly remind the American people that "they" still hate us because of our:

A: Freedoms

B: Democracy

C: Flab

D: Regulation checkered shorts that all American tourists wear

E: Tendency to believe anything we are told, regardless of how ridiculous

In a further development, White House spokesman Scott McClellan, who asked not to be named, said that the President had been inspired by his administration's success in the war on terrorism and was confident that he could expand the war on tactics such as terrorism to include a war on even more nebulous concepts and ideologies, such as:

War on not waging war

War on not believing that a war on terrorism makes any sense

War on waging war and then running away

War on people thinking of new ways to wage war (apart from the Bush administration)

War on exposing the lies and manipulations of the US government or its allies

War on other people thinking bad things about the US or Israel

War on critical unemotional thinking

 

Friday, 1st April, 2005

 

Breaking News Now Exclusive!

 

Wolfowitz Turns Down World Bank Post to Accept Papacy

US Undersecretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, who was appointed head of the World Bank yesterday, shocked pundits and the White House this morning by turning down the post in favor of an offer from the Roman Catholic Church to assume the papacy after the death of Jean-Paul II. A shaken Scott McClellan, Bush's Press Secretary, refused to answer questions at a brief appearance shortly after hearing the news, raising questions about rumors of a split between the Administration and the neocons.

Reports from Israel say that Ariel Sharon was "jubilant" that his close friend and advisor, Wolfowitz, was assuming such an important post. "Let the crusade begin," Mr. Sharon was reported to have told his cabinet.

A Vatican spokeman said the move was done to curb any accusations of anti-Semitism within the Church. Another official, speaking off the record, suggested that the move was designed to show Christians everywhere that the Catholic Church was prepared to do everything in its power to help bring on the Apocalypse, attempting to head-off criticisms from the fundamentalist churches in the United States who believe the Roman Church is soft on Satan.

Update: President Bush has issued a statement in which he has given his full support to Wolfowitz. "He'll look great in those robes and he's offered to let me borrow the Popemobile when I play golf" said an excited Bush, whose boyish enthusiasm was evident.

Bush also said he hopes the Church will not prolong the suffering of the current Pope, Jean Paul II, and will remove his feeding tube. "Life is much too precious to be wasted on the dead," he said. When an Italian journalist pointed out that Jean-Paul II was still conscious, Bush jokingly asked if he was from Il Manifesto, the communist paper whose reporter Giuliana Sgrena was attacked by US forces after her liberation in Baghdad.

Bush denied any split between his administration and the neoconservatives, and said that had he known the Papacy was open, he would not have tendered Wolfowitz's name for the World Bank. "Our savior was Jewish, and my gut tells me that putting a Jew as Pope will lead to a new beginning in Christianity, one that will bring the glory of Armageddon to the Holy Lands and then to the world. Paul has been an ardent defender of this policy as part of my administration, and I have no doubt he will continue to play an important role at the Vatican."

 

Monday 19th April 2004

 

Breaking News Now Exclusive!

 

From Wire Services
Apr 18, 3:53 PM (ET)

The US Army replaced a part of the population of Orange County, California with robots prior to last fall's election, marking another step forward for technology the U.S. military hopes will open the path to viable democratic rule in the US.

Under human supervision but without human piloting, the robots showed up, voted for film star Arnold Schwarzenegger, and spent the rest of the afternoon shopping. Subsequent reprogramming carried out through cable TV signals will permit the robots to "choose" between Republican and Democratic candidates based upon a complex algorithm that takes into account sleep patterns and disturbances and an analysis of frustration/satisfaction quotients from their work.

"It's absolutely a huge step forward for us. It shows the capability of an unmanned population to carry on the democratic traditions that have made this country great," said Robert Whorton, the Pentagon's chief operator for the mission.

Mission specialists hope to have millions of these robots in place throughout the country prior to November's presidential elections.

 

 

Signs of the Times